google that shit.

last thursday included, but was not limited to, calling the state department in D.C., making out checks he's already sent out to people, looking for files that don't exist, cutting articles out of the newspaper that he'll never read again, buying things for him that he doesn't have the money to pay for...

and calling malaysia.

i have not told this story yet because it has seemed too ridiculous every time i have tried. but we'll give it a go anyway.

back story: the governor apparently met somebody who lived in, and/or currently resides in malaysia, during world war II (i found this out when i asked "how do you know them?" and he replied "world war two!" in a pleasantly indignant, "you should've known that, you idiot" tone). and last thursday, he decided he wanted to talk to that person.

now, for starters, let's review the concept of time zones. malaysia, being in asia, is on the other side of the world from rhode island and, as such, is on a completely different schedule. with daylight savings having taken effect on the east coast, we are 13 hours behind malaysia at this point. this will come into play later.

i cannot find a file for the person he would like to speak to. wait--back up--first thing's first--i cannot determine if the person he is hoping to speak to is male or female. the name sounds feminine, but (a) it's asia, names sound different there, and (b) if he met this person during WWII, i'm tempted to guess this individual is, in fact, a man. in addition to this, i can find no record of this person in any of the gov's files, or in his rolodex (which, to be honest, is a thing on the computer, so it's easy to look for people). this angers said gov, who goes off to lunch declaring that he will ask the people he eats with; they will know.

when he comes back roughly an hour later, he has a triumphant look on his face. "google it," he says smugly.

(google it? where did he learn that word?!)

"google it?" i reply, and he goes on. "google kuala lumpur, malaysia," he says, "then click on phone directory." i follow his directions. "it doesn't say phone directory anywhere," i explain. "that's what they told me to do at the university club!" he says (perhaps they have a different internet than i do?...), and comes around to look at my computer. he inspects the screen, then points to a website that eventually leads me to a listing for the US embassy in kuala lampur. "call them."

when, after several tries, i manage to get through to the embassy, a recording tells me that it is closed, and will not be open until 7:45 am. upon further investigation, i find out that this is because, at 2 pm in the northeast, it is 3 am tomorrow in malaysia. the recording suggests i call back in the morning, or, if i am an american citizen, and it is an emergency, to please press 1. i write down the hours of operation and hang up to give the governor a report.

"well, call back," he says.

"they're closed," i explain again. "it's 3 in the morning, there."

"well there must be SOMEONE there," he says, exasperated. "call back."

i call again and tell the poor man answering phones in the dead of night that he can feel free to hang up on me at any time, because i understand that the reason i am calling him is ridiculous and not something the emergency line at a US embassy is meant to handle. he explains that if the person i was trying to reach were, say, begin detained by the malaysian government, i might have a case, but otherwise i should just call back during their regular business hours. i agree, thank him, and hang up.

going into the governor's office, i figure, i've got a pretty good case of my hands for why he's not going to reach the person he'd like to on this particular day. besides the fact that it's nearing 3:30 am in malaysia and therefore, nobody is going to want to talk to him him on the phone anyway even if he GETS the number he's looking for, the guy working at the embassy doesn't know how to help him anyway.

i go in and explain all this, and he asks what i mean. i say "well, they're in a different time zone--" "well that's stupid!" he says (time zones are stupid?). "when it's daytime there, it's nighttime here!" he says this accusingly. as though it's my fault. call me crazy, but SOMEBODY should've thought of this when he created the world. it's not MY fault we only have one sun.

the day continued with a call to the state department (when i couldn't find a specific phone number to call, his response was "call THE STATE DEPARTMENT. in WASHINGTON D.C." as though i could just call one number and say "yes, washington? could i have the state department please?" or, for further example, as though i could call, say, new york city and say "yes, sean thompson's office, please?"), which i could not get out of, though my own common sense did not deter me from attempting to explain that they probably did not have an address and phone number for everyone in the world (the CIA has that, dummy). they were also no help. their suggestion was (shocker) "call the embassy when it's open." helpful, guys.

moral of the story? i'm not sure there is one. unless it's "rewind to june and, when you are offered a job working as professional administrative assistant for a former governor, say no thank you." which, y'know, is impossible.